Category: Self reflection

Why I Like Media About Suicide

The universe seems to open up for the person thinking of it. For most of the movies and books out there about it, that is. It’s as if the whole universe decides to let them see why it’s worth continuing. Side quests and random relationships that change the whole perspective. I love all the different forms of media because I feel everything as if I were the main character. When reading, I don’t read and see what is described; I feel what is described, crystal clear.

When I first started smoking weed and ingesting edibles, I started to dream more and remember it. My dreams were always weird, and only once in a blue moon were they too real. One time, I took an edible and woke up, checking my arm to see if there was a bullet wound. Before getting shot I was engrossed in what was playing out in front of my eyes. They were talking to me but I didn’t feel like I was involved, until I got shot.

Dreams became another medium where I can feel a person’s emotions. Of course, the ones I know best and can understand are the strong emotions. I’m an addict of suffering. The amount of Japanese dramas and movies I would watch to have it tear my heart apart. The suicide ones always have a happy ending, usually, in some way or another. Someone, whether it was the friend who had to stay after the person was gone, or the actual person contemplating it. The air of hope and promise is so thick you can choke on it.

It’s amazing how fragile everyone is, yet we don’t speak it. It is also amazing what happens when we choose life. Such a beautiful masterpiece waiting to be woven, with others, with art, with love.

Sunrise, Soon rise

At exactly 7:48 am the sun peaked behind the apartment buildings. She blew on her mug squinting as it peaked. “This is what I pay for” she thought. She had been up all night, worried. Worried that all her fears had come true since she was a child but one. Well, the one was a fear and a wish. Even as a child she knew that she was useless, she had potential, she knew that. However, she wasn’t a person that knew how to use it. So many people struggling out there could have done so much with this life. It is wasted on her, but just look at this sunrise.

Today was the day she would start therapy and probably be prescribed medication. Hoping to give herself the fight she needed. Cause suicide wasn’t an option, she could never handle pain. No matter how many times she pictured and planned, she’d Google it and click the first link. It talked about what jumping off of a bridge does to a body. It shook her to her core that it is possible to attempt to die and be stuck here with no ability to move. Looking it up was a way to make her stay vigilant, if it can hurt others it cannot be a plan. 

The mom  figure of a therapist let her in her office. It seemed kinda shady as it was in a basement of an old apartment building. There were plenty of doctor’s offices down there, all seemingly lost in time. The lady asked her to tell her about herself, a question she always hated. Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, the therapist says she will write a prescription for lexapro. She’s heard of it but the whole session felt rushed and unhelpful. She would end up being right, trying to reconnect with the therapist made her feel like she imagined her visit. Would she only ever be ghosted by people?

Once again 7:48 AM she watched the sun slowly rise behind the apartment buildings in the distance. She wondered when that will be her. A blazing force slowly rising to bring good and bad things to the people of earth. Just think how often it is for people to rise so bright that they assume it’s only light and warmth shared. Do you think that is what parents always hope for their child’s future? She knows that one day that will be her. A sun, a phoenix, an important figure with a caring touch. Soon she’ll be just like the sun she admires.