Month: April 2016

I, Breathe

Ask me if I am happy

I will answer

I never expected to be

 

For someone that looks so happy

There is no faith in humanity

No one is worthy of it

 

My favorite song in a murderous musical

It is basically how I feel about life most days

“We all deserve to die, even you Miss. Lovett, even I”

That song begins to play constantly in my head

I know that I’m going mad

It’s all I can think about

 

I start to question if bad things are really bad

If I am the only one that is drowning on malfeasance‎

Then comparison begins

 

I have not suffered

I have not tried hard enough

Why do I have the right to feel this way?

 

I probably don’t

Yet, here I am

Weak and unworthy

 

Still breathing . . .

Spring Showers

 

I wrote it as a random FB status. Then I realized I liked. When I tried to save it forever FB tried to tell me it did not exist. Here it is, thanks to FB memories.

 

I smelt that scent again.

The scent I told you I loved so much.

The on set of rain in the air.

It only happens in the Spring you know, that scent.

The pictures that were taken of us wet as if from swimming with our clothes on.

Of you looking into the camera full of love as the ripplets of water slid down your face.

Spring smells will always remind me of you.

Every April, whenever it rains and that smell hits my nostrils

I will look for you and whisper “I miss you”

Empty Heart

There’s nothing when I look at you

My heart doesn’t flutter or  skip a beat

You aren’t always on my mind

I don’t only think of you and me

Although, I wish I did

I wish my life was like the movies sometimes

That I can fall in love quickly

Skip through the rain just enjoying existence

That money wasn’t a thing

Danger was something to laugh at

All the great things of movies

Truth is all I have is fear

The inability to understand people

Getting too close means you’ll be lost

Emotions clouding your judgement

Jealousy of other importants

Feeling even more worthless

Worrying that you’re a nuisance

Which is why I run

Friends are the closest relationships

There is no love here

No magic land of fluttering hearts

No soulmate understanding thoughts

No one inside the empty heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extraction

They always smell sterile don’t they? Dentist offices. She wonders why people are afraid of this place. Most people wouldn’t even come to this one. Hidden, underground, and with no windows. She isn’t scared, even though, she’s going to remove all four of her wisdom teeth. There’s a new dental assistant today, pretty handsome; another distraction to take away the pain perhaps? Sally, the receptionist, is telling her back information on the dentist, on how much he loves extractions. Knowing actually starts to make her nervous. Her overactive imagination kicks in and she pictures this man itching to pull anything. Finished with her procedure she smiles into the mirror and sees a toothless grin. She shudders at the thought.

There’s whistling coming down the stairs and footsteps that sounded like a bigger person made them. A man who looks like the Spanish version of Santa Claus walks into the dental office.

“Today is a glorious day!!” He said with jolly “Are you ready for today? Let’s get started!”
She looks at Sally as the man goes behind the door to set up.
“Don’t worry.” Sally said, “He’s really good. Everyone comments they don’t feel a thing.”

Sitting in the chair the new assistant puts on classical music. A big change from the normal random TV shows they play. She makes small talk and notices a wedding ring. Too bad, she was going to get his number for this girl who has a thing for Russian men. The dentist came in with six needles filled with Novocain.  He fills her up effortlessly; one needle for each corner, one for the roof of her mouth, and the last one for her bottom gums.

He takes off his mask to smile at her “There is no need to worry sweetheart. I have a friend with me today. You probably know him . . .” She blinks at him as the suction continues in the silence. “Jesus. He is with me and he is my best friend. Everything will be fine.”  She remembers that this dentist is also a pastor; God gave him two callings.

She tenses up as she feels him pulling at her tooth, she’s too doped up to feel pain but can still feel movement. Each tooth comes out with no problems; the assistant and Santa dentist make small talk. Teaching the assistant of the basics of extraction he tells the assistant that he likes to do it the natural way. Santa dentist says it’s the best way to get a clean pull and is less dangerous for the patient. All that she knows is that she may need to take a nap; the last tooth is taking longer than the others. Is this the reason why Frank Ocean made that song? She thought before everything went black.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vines

Four windows and twenty tabs

Drowning in green quicksand

Not understanding how to map

Unsure if she really can

 

Writing and hating how it sounds

Compliments that aren’t profound

Makes you question the bow

Wondering if people feel different now

 

How disappointed they will be

Debt up to her ears

No one to hear

Her swinging from a vine