She wanted to feel like a rabbit. Afraid that death would come. Right on her heels, she’s just begun. This time she’ll be done. Edgar Allan taught her fear and how eloquent death is. Always listen to the walls and your best friends grand confessions. Crows are great, statues narrate and death can look like a migrant. Cats are not friends. Ask all the questions. You may not always like the answer.
When you hear the first chime
You know it’s time
To do all the things you pine
The Ice Cream Truck!!
You’re in luck
The best way to spend a buck
That’s not what you want
Your agenda is to flaunt
Maybe a new lover to haunt
Enjoy the sights
Enjoy the nights
Do it with all your might
Look for the mime
Watch the ducks
Never forget to love with your heart
Don’t ever wait for your Knight
Almost a whole decade. I find it strange that I never thought to do something for you on this day. I think of you, I think of the things I made for you, had wanted to do for you, and with you. I wonder if I’m doing bad in your eyes, even though you had never thought so before. I still feel bad you know. That someone with such life, amazing dreams, and unconditional love had to leave. I’m nothing like that. There isn’t even anything I want anymore. I’m just living now, being forced to care about so much when I just can’t wait to go to sleep. I can’t even remember much of the past. All the bad conversations, you protecting me like a mother bear, the almost openess we shared. I do miss you, even though I tell myself I don’t. I am upset that we hardly have any pictures together, that I never really got to learn about you from you. I’ve heard many stories about you after your death, I wish I knew your version of it though. As I scrolled down my Facebook feed and saw old pictures of people with their mother’s, I can only remember us having three pics together. Sixteen years with the person that carried me and we only have three pictures together. You almost listened to me when I said to write a will, we almost got close, you almost fell in love again. I’m almost ready to become a person again. I love you.
Ask me if I am happy
I will answer
I never expected to be
For someone that looks so happy
There is no faith in humanity
No one is worthy of it
My favorite song in a murderous musical
It is basically how I feel about life most days
“We all deserve to die, even you Miss. Lovett, even I”
That song begins to play constantly in my head
I know that I’m going mad
It’s all I can think about
I start to question if bad things are really bad
If I am the only one that is drowning on malfeasance
Then comparison begins
I have not suffered
I have not tried hard enough
Why do I have the right to feel this way?
I probably don’t
Yet, here I am
Weak and unworthy
Still breathing . . .
I wrote it as a random FB status. Then I realized I liked. When I tried to save it forever FB tried to tell me it did not exist. Here it is, thanks to FB memories.
I smelt that scent again.
The scent I told you I loved so much.
The on set of rain in the air.
It only happens in the Spring you know, that scent.
The pictures that were taken of us wet as if from swimming with our clothes on.
Of you looking into the camera full of love as the ripplets of water slid down your face.
Spring smells will always remind me of you.
Every April, whenever it rains and that smell hits my nostrils
I will look for you and whisper “I miss you”
There’s nothing when I look at you
My heart doesn’t flutter or skip a beat
You aren’t always on my mind
I don’t only think of you and me
Although, I wish I did
I wish my life was like the movies sometimes
That I can fall in love quickly
Skip through the rain just enjoying existence
That money wasn’t a thing
Danger was something to laugh at
All the great things of movies
Truth is all I have is fear
The inability to understand people
Getting too close means you’ll be lost
Emotions clouding your judgement
Jealousy of other importants
Feeling even more worthless
Worrying that you’re a nuisance
Which is why I run
Friends are the closest relationships
There is no love here
No magic land of fluttering hearts
No soulmate understanding thoughts
No one inside the empty heart
They always smell sterile don’t they? Dentist offices. She wonders why people are afraid of this place. Most people wouldn’t even come to this one. Hidden, underground, and with no windows. She isn’t scared, even though, she’s going to remove all four of her wisdom teeth. There’s a new dental assistant today, pretty handsome; another distraction to take away the pain perhaps? Sally, the receptionist, is telling her back information on the dentist, on how much he loves extractions. Knowing actually starts to make her nervous. Her overactive imagination kicks in and she pictures this man itching to pull anything. Finished with her procedure she smiles into the mirror and sees a toothless grin. She shudders at the thought.
There’s whistling coming down the stairs and footsteps that sounded like a bigger person made them. A man who looks like the Spanish version of Santa Claus walks into the dental office.
“Today is a glorious day!!” He said with jolly “Are you ready for today? Let’s get started!”
She looks at Sally as the man goes behind the door to set up.
“Don’t worry.” Sally said, “He’s really good. Everyone comments they don’t feel a thing.”
Sitting in the chair the new assistant puts on classical music. A big change from the normal random TV shows they play. She makes small talk and notices a wedding ring. Too bad, she was going to get his number for this girl who has a thing for Russian men. The dentist came in with six needles filled with Novocain. He fills her up effortlessly; one needle for each corner, one for the roof of her mouth, and the last one for her bottom gums.
He takes off his mask to smile at her “There is no need to worry sweetheart. I have a friend with me today. You probably know him . . .” She blinks at him as the suction continues in the silence. “Jesus. He is with me and he is my best friend. Everything will be fine.” She remembers that this dentist is also a pastor; God gave him two callings.
She tenses up as she feels him pulling at her tooth, she’s too doped up to feel pain but can still feel movement. Each tooth comes out with no problems; the assistant and Santa dentist make small talk. Teaching the assistant of the basics of extraction he tells the assistant that he likes to do it the natural way. Santa dentist says it’s the best way to get a clean pull and is less dangerous for the patient. All that she knows is that she may need to take a nap; the last tooth is taking longer than the others. Is this the reason why Frank Ocean made that song? She thought before everything went black.
Four windows and twenty tabs
Drowning in green quicksand
Not understanding how to map
Unsure if she really can
Writing and hating how it sounds
Compliments that aren’t profound
Makes you question the bow
Wondering if people feel different now
How disappointed they will be
Debt up to her ears
No one to hear
Her swinging from a vine
My husband and I walked home from the movie theater
He wanted to talk about all the things we were going to do together
In the future
He wanted to talk about us and Thailand
He wanted to talk about the gay and lesbian clubs
Us becoming one
All the great adventures
And all I could do was stay silent
And she said
Are they things you want to do?
Are they the things you feel passionate about?
Asking all the right questions, I replied
They are things that I once thought of doing
They are things that I should want to do
My fear overcomes all adventure that life sometimes gives one
He thinks I negative because I have no goal
Dreamless, but I cannot be either of these
Neither negative or positive only always revolving
What do I want next?
What should be my next move?
How do I force myself to change in the way I need?
She answers
I think your next move should be figuring out what you want.
I wish all of us could take like six months to do something interesting
Nothing but daydream and explore and figure out our goals
But I don’t even understand how to try
Plus, how will I know if I found it?
It’s all so scary and hard . . . .
It’s unsettling
The night calms yet brings dreams
Nightmares
She never did change
Was it for the people who wrote in her yearbook?
Was it for herself?
She sits in the dark staring at walls
She doesn’t know how to do this
There are no red marks on her arms
A sure sign she’s getting better
Nightmares
She pushed friends away and died
They won’t miss her anyway
She made sure of it
She’s too curious to leave them alone
Internet addiction
Social Media worship
Nightmares
Even when home she wants to be there
Home
Where is it?
She likes the feel of night
Never scared of walking alone in it
Darkness is different
She always runs away from it
Swings are perfection
The only thing that will truly make her happy
Swinging in the dark
inquisitivepenelope 