Tag: feelings

Why I Like Media About Suicide

The universe seems to open up for the person thinking of it. For most of the movies and books out there about it, that is. It’s as if the whole universe decides to let them see why it’s worth continuing. Side quests and random relationships that change the whole perspective. I love all the different forms of media because I feel everything as if I were the main character. When reading, I don’t read and see what is described; I feel what is described, crystal clear.

When I first started smoking weed and ingesting edibles, I started to dream more and remember it. My dreams were always weird, and only once in a blue moon were they too real. One time, I took an edible and woke up, checking my arm to see if there was a bullet wound. Before getting shot I was engrossed in what was playing out in front of my eyes. They were talking to me but I didn’t feel like I was involved, until I got shot.

Dreams became another medium where I can feel a person’s emotions. Of course, the ones I know best and can understand are the strong emotions. I’m an addict of suffering. The amount of Japanese dramas and movies I would watch to have it tear my heart apart. The suicide ones always have a happy ending, usually, in some way or another. Someone, whether it was the friend who had to stay after the person was gone, or the actual person contemplating it. The air of hope and promise is so thick you can choke on it.

It’s amazing how fragile everyone is, yet we don’t speak it. It is also amazing what happens when we choose life. Such a beautiful masterpiece waiting to be woven, with others, with art, with love.

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

If my mother were still alive, she would have been sixty-four. I still can’t believe I lived nearly twenty years without her. Through my writing and my life adventures, I hope to continue to understand her. There aren’t many people to ask about her. I hope to create an autobiography showcasing what a great woman she was. When she passed, I only heard stories that made her sound crazy and lonely. She was too beautiful for that to be the only truth.

Words and Phases

I have begun to realize that words are useless

There isn’t one great reason just many decent ones

People don’t listen so words fall

People don’t speak well so words are misunderstood

People are scared so words aren’t formed

The ability to scare yourself silent

That is the tragedy of being human

 

In the same breath they can bring peace

Hope, salvation, all of the positivity

All coming down to a point of view

All coming down to reading between the lines

Communication isn’t just words

It’s movement and extra sounds

A tragedy that we can’t always trust the five senses

 

Life and feelings are phases of change

One phase not looking like the other

A person’s phases and words never matching

A different stage a different meaning

Everyone’s interpretation silent

Senses and fears

We are human just words and phases

Sunrise, Soon rise

At exactly 7:48 am the sun peaked behind the apartment buildings. She blew on her mug squinting as it peaked. “This is what I pay for” she thought. She had been up all night, worried. Worried that all her fears had come true since she was a child but one. Well, the one was a fear and a wish. Even as a child she knew that she was useless, she had potential, she knew that. However, she wasn’t a person that knew how to use it. So many people struggling out there could have done so much with this life. It is wasted on her, but just look at this sunrise.

Today was the day she would start therapy and probably be prescribed medication. Hoping to give herself the fight she needed. Cause suicide wasn’t an option, she could never handle pain. No matter how many times she pictured and planned, she’d Google it and click the first link. It talked about what jumping off of a bridge does to a body. It shook her to her core that it is possible to attempt to die and be stuck here with no ability to move. Looking it up was a way to make her stay vigilant, if it can hurt others it cannot be a plan. 

The mom  figure of a therapist let her in her office. It seemed kinda shady as it was in a basement of an old apartment building. There were plenty of doctor’s offices down there, all seemingly lost in time. The lady asked her to tell her about herself, a question she always hated. Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, the therapist says she will write a prescription for lexapro. She’s heard of it but the whole session felt rushed and unhelpful. She would end up being right, trying to reconnect with the therapist made her feel like she imagined her visit. Would she only ever be ghosted by people?

Once again 7:48 AM she watched the sun slowly rise behind the apartment buildings in the distance. She wondered when that will be her. A blazing force slowly rising to bring good and bad things to the people of earth. Just think how often it is for people to rise so bright that they assume it’s only light and warmth shared. Do you think that is what parents always hope for their child’s future? She knows that one day that will be her. A sun, a phoenix, an important figure with a caring touch. Soon she’ll be just like the sun she admires.

Doormat

She knocked on my door like she always did

Ghost like

Nothing to do, why not hang out with a friend

She knows I don’t see her as a friend

We pretend

I tried to quiet my heart

Unable to stop it’s talking when she was near

She just wanted sleep

She could have gone home

She could have done something more productive

Alas, here she is in my bed sleeping

I play the music loud to drown out my heart

She can’t hear either

Me liking her makes no sense

We’d never be compatible

Then I watch her breathe

How peaceful she looks

I watch as she takes a breath

Follow the flow of oxygen

In through her nose

Symmetrical with her lips

Always slightly chapped

Like how she’s always slightly hungry

Down her long tanned neck

Her chest moves with life

Always sighing in sleep

Then she wakes up blinking at me

Caught

She stares into my eyes

Forcing me to fidget

She has an amazing person

I try to remind myself

We’ve been friends for long

Not love, just infatuation

Memories

When we said ‘I love you’

As friends

Next to her gravitational pull

I have pictures

My lips her kneck

My lips her thighs

My lips between her

She’s just a friend

I’m just a doormat with a bed

One that always says ‘Welcome Home’

 

 

What is lonely?

She remembers this feeling. It’s nothing new, a decade ago she felt it too. Restless, disappointed, and scared. Still having trouble with fixing these issues. She used to wonder how people acted the way they did, how they kept moving. She hasn’t been able to shake the feeling of uselessness as she wonders once again the point to anything. She has been staring at her phone, that cost her more than her rent, realizing that no one was going to text her. Even if they did text her or call what would she even talk about? How she is stuck? That she knows soon everyone will be gone doing great things, while she’s still here doing nothing. Or, how about her fear of doing things because after putting all that effort in you didn’t even enjoy it? Talk about the empty? It doesn’t matter, so she sits. Or, rather, lies on her bed staring at the ceiling. Thinking about how much time is left on this earth for her. It weighs upon her chest and makes her want to do something.

“Twenty-four years is so long. I feel so tired. I haven’t even done or seen much. Nothing has happened to me. However, I’m over it. There are people who’ve done and seen so much. Someone could do great with this life. I really wish it wasn’t given to me.” She thinks.

She decides it’s too quiet, that was what was wrong. She puts on some music which does nothing but reminds her of the past. She wraps the music around her like the comfort blanket it is. She stops hearing music and only sees pictures. The different people she liked. The different people she tried to befriend. The realization that she never learned to connect with anyone.

Her eyes grow heavy and she accepts that none of this will change. All because of her. It all goes black to the perfect world called sleep. Her phone lighting up and singing goodnight.

 

How to Feel

I tried to grab her

All I got was air

She left the way I knew she would

What to do?

Now that the light is gone

I’m here empty

Is this how an empty husk feels?

Forced to exist

Having no reason to

Not wanting to

You woke up though

Seize the day, is it?

Your purpose in life is not to die

Even if that is all you are thinking